The Cougar Episode 1 Recap

For those of you who didn't follow our live blog the other night, here's a little recap of the first episode of TV Land's new show The Cougar - airing Wednesday nights and 10PM/9 Central. We apologize for being a little with this but we were busy rocking out with Bruce Springsteen (and special guest Mike Ness of Orange County's Social Distortion - video here) at the Los Angeles Memorial Sports Arena last night.

Watch the full episode

The Cougar proved unsurprisingly to be much like the once popular Bachelorette program. Our beautiful Urbancougar of the Month Stacey Anderson lives in a house with 20 men competing for her affection. The only difference of course is that Stacey is a gorgeous forty year-old woman and her paramours are young men, mostly in the early 20s, of varying experience and success.

The gorgeous Vivica A. Fox, host of the show, got the ball rolling early, dubbing the home they'll all share "Cougarvilla" and introducing us to the lovely Stacey.

This just in: Stacey is smokin' hot!

There was a little background segment on Stacey, where we learn that she lives in Scottsdale, is a successful real estate agent and doting mother - significant cougar traits all. Did we ear that right? Stacey was married on her 16th birthday?! We'll have to confirm that with her.

Stacey talked a lot about how she wants to change the perception of cougars in society - much as she did in our interview - before the obligatory introduction of the guys, who are reasonably stunned when Stacey arrives and they witness her ridiculous sexiness.

The Line-up

First we meet Travis, the smooth, long-haired 21 year-old. He's tastefully dressed in an argyle sweater and proves adorable to Stacey. He's excited to share a legal drink with her. Nice.

Vest-wearin' Tom enters next and tries to play the "virgin" card, saying he has no experience with cougars. Will Stacey take this as a project? We'll see.

Kai is next and is ice cream smooth but disappears before we know what's happened.

The twin brothers are next which is awkward, of course, but par for the course for a reality dating show. One makes an impression with his sharp pink ruffled tuxedo shirt. It's not the good kind of impression, we suspect.

We briefly get Jim, who makes no lasting impression on the audience mainly because his introduction to Stacey is edited to within an inch of its life.

Austin comes next and tells Stacey he's been waiting so long for this moment. That he's had sleepless nights. He is known heretofore as Sleepless in Austin.

Sgt. Ryan is next and fumbles badly, saying Stacey looks too old to be a cougar. That's not what he meant, of course, but early damage is done. He'll likely get a little leeway being a military man, but will it be enough to last the first cut? We'll see.

Nick, the police officer, is up next and delivers two of the worst pickup lines in the annals of reality dating shows. First, he tells Stacey she's under arrest because she stole his heart. Next, "You have the right to remain delicious." He's no McBain.

Dave approaches Stacey next, flowers in hand, and provides his resume in a relatively understated, but obvious way. He is no kid, he implies. This is likely effective and as we said in the live blog, we consider him to be a top contender for the ultimate prize.

Bodie is next. Bodie is a pool boy. This is pretty much the last you'll see of Bodie.

Johnny follows and treats Stacey to an impromptu Lambada, which is accepted with some trepidation.

Kevin. He's a giant. He is Goliath and will later be smote.

Brad the Bartender is next in the queue. He's from Chicago, not Wisconsin, but he brings tons of cheese. He gives her a "booty shake" - wants to loosen Stacey up. Brad is a tool and will be used as such later.

Joe stealthily enters as if on safari hunting the elusive cougar. It's absurd shtick, but garners a laugh and is at least memorable. It probably earns him a couple of weeks on the show.

The man we have dubbed Creepy Poet is next. He charms Stacey with an awful poem and eyes that suggest he might want to do weird things to her in private. Editing? We'll see.

Colt is next. Ascot Guy. Guitar Guy. He will make an impression, dammit! And he does. He intrigues Stacey and is, along with Dave and Travis, an early front-runner. We think his confident bluster - obviously masking a lack of true self confidence - will be his undoing. Or Maybe Sgt. Ryan will just beat him up when the military man gets drunk, something he nearly does after the next commercial break.

That is your team, gang. Who will Stacey fall for? Who knows?!

Kiss-off

Following the little party where invariably three or four guys get too drunk and Stacey shares a little one-on-one time follows and only two things of note happen.

1) Sgt. Ryan continues to fumble in front of Stacey (after getting wasted and deservedly chastising Colt for his ascot).

2) Goliath suggests he would like to kiss Stacey's vagina.

Now Stacey must either kiss the guy (the show's version of "giving a rose" on the Bachelorette) or turn her cheek. She has to bounce five dudes. To make a long story short, she first dumps Rich, then gets rid of Pink Tuxedo Shirt. Brad the Cheesedick unceremoniously is removed. His game was simply too potent. Bodie the Pool Boy gets denied as well, accounting for 38 seconds of total screen time on the show. So it's a battle royale between Sgt. Ryan, who has done himself no early favors but is helped by his service and patriotism, and Goliath, who wants to smooch Stacey's cooch.

There will be no cooch smooch for Goliath. He is shown the door. And with that we are shown highlights from the season which suggests no shortage of steamy action!

Until next week gang.