I Love Cougars

What can I say? Some may call me a loser and some might call me a winner for what I am about to tell. I have had MANY cougar experiences, all which end in the same way that any prey reading this would applaud me for. I am neither proud nor ashamed of one cougar experience I had which I am about to tell, but in any case, here it goes.

I had just moved to South Florida from Delaware. I was 24 years old and had also just started with a new company. I didn’t really know too many people so I went out one night with some fellow co-workers. Like your average 20 something, I was cocky and determined to show these guys a good time as well as my game. They took me to an Ale House and I immedietly thought I was doomed. There were 5 dudes for every 1 diva and with major league baseball showing at all angles who in the hell can make magic happen in this environment? I mean, who picks up chicks at ale houses let alone cougars? Before this night, I didn’t even know what a cougar was. They were quick to inform me though.

So we are sitting at the bar, Marlins losing as usual, and they point out this blonde across the way. She’s all alone, at least 10 years older than me, and talking with this grandpa aged fella with a look in her eyes that begged to be saved. Well, the English Degree toting sales professional I am gets this glorious idea: What female, whether 21 or 61 doesn’t enjoy a good poem? I ask the bartender for a pen and proceed to write rhyming little phrases on napkins discussing her beauty and desperation to exit her current conversation. We watch from across the bar as she begins to glow, her heart melts, and she looks around for the clever guy that passed this her way I just made her night, week perhaps, and she hasn’t a clue who or where I am.

So, the night goes on. I pass several napkins. She lights up with each delivery. My co-workers try to remain not obvious but they are failing miserably with each congratulatory high five and word of appraisal. I must now write the final cougar deal sealer. It entails her turning around and taking a shot with me which was handed to her with the final napkin. Some cheesy line that was sure to drop the panties. As expected, she read the note, smiled from ear to ear, and turned around to see me with the same shot ready to down it together, and finally let the night begin.

And so we did. We talked for about the equivalent of Dontrell throwing three fastballs and we were out the door. She paid her tab, and I stuck my new co-workers with mine as I signaled I would not be returning, and no longer needed a place to crash.

We bounced around town that night from bar to bar with little to no talk. We made out in parking lots, bathrooms, and in one instance, behind a dumpster. But we didn’t talk. What we didn’t say in words, we made up for in public displays of affection. The night was ending and it was time to go home. So off to her place we went. The last thing I remember about this encounter, I wish I could tell you it was getting dressed in the morning, but it was arriving home from the bars to walk her dogs. We took a stroll, let them do their business, and I could barely stand. We go inside and she takes that before sex pee. I laid on the couch fully dressed and thought to myself: man is it on. But oh boy was it not. I awake 6 hours later to a pissed off cougar and a head full of despise and hate towards Captain Morgan. Oh did he fuck me this time. She drives me home and we have the same conversation we had hours before minus all the spit swapping and groping. I never saw or heard from her again.

Now here’s where you can call me what you want. With any assumption, you are correct. I didn’t get laid and I did pass out on a beautiful willing and able cougar. But, I did learn a lesson that night and my co-workers were determined to hang out with me for every Marlins game that season. I came to the strong realization and ultimate path to landing a cougar that night. You must first lessen all those around you to nothing. You don’t look for other pieces of ass nor do you give head nods to envious dudes your age that are obviously aware of what’s going down. You give the cougar your all for whatever amount of time they want it from you. And so I did, and so I continue to do. This napkin trick, believe it or not, has worked several times. All with the same conclusion which you were hoping to hear after reading about this first attempt. The ones that were successful you forget all about. But when they go down like the first one did, you only get better and wiser.