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Ask Lucia
In this installment of Ask Lucia, a thoughtful 19 year-old asks how he can take his relationship with a 41 year-old to the next level.Got your own question for Lucia, ask her now at askanexpert@urbancougar.com.
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Dear Lucia,
I am 19 years old and am currently in a physical relationship with a woman who is 41 years old. We do go out to eat and spend time together every now and then. I find myself interested in wanting a more serious relationship.
I understand that plenty of people think the age difference is too large but for someone my age, I have a lot going. I currently work two jobs and attend a very prestigious college. I am earning about 40k a year. It may be enough to get me through school and put away for savings but not quite support her.
She is struggling with expenses and had been laid off and is working at the gym that I work out in. She works behind the counter there and one day we started talking. She kept telling me how she liked my hair. I thought to myself why not just ask her if she is really interested or just flirting.
We are great friends, have a lot in common, and just love being around each other. I will be starting a fairly good job with a bank at the end of this year and will be able to provide for her financially, so finances won't be an issue.
How I go about telling her? What do you think I should say or do? If everything works out with her, how do I go about explaining this to my family? My mother is not the issue being that my father got transferred down to Atlanta so the both of them are far away, but I take care of my grandmother from time to time. She is very traditional and set in her ways and I have a very good relationship with her.
She has helped me pay for school and let me stay at her place until I found the right apartment. I am thankful for everything my grandmother has done, but I don't want anyone to get in the way of my happiness. I want to be sure my family accepts her and treats her well. Any advice or assistance you could give me would be greatly appreciated.
Michael
Dear Michael,
Wow. Are you sure you’re only 19? There are guys twice your age who don’t have your maturity, so bravo.
Are you sure about wanting to have a serious relationship with this woman? You’re not at all interested in “sowing your wild oats”, so to speak?
Even if you want to get more serious, how do you know she wants to? She may be totally surprised that you are considering moving things to the next level. Why don’t you have a conversation about where things are headed and see where she stands on all this? With your maturity level, I know you won’t have a problem finding the right thing to say.
In terms of the finances, I don’t think your lady is expecting you to support her. As long as you can pull your own weight financially in the relationship, that’s all that matters.
As to your family, why don’t you cross that bridge when you get to it?
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About Lucia
Lucia is urbancougar.com's resident expert on cougar-cub relationships. To ask her a question, contact her at askanexpert@urbancougar.com.
Host of the popular L.A. radio show, “The Art of Love” and a syndicated advice columnist, Lucia is a renowned cougar relationship expert and former Urbancougar of the Month. She has shared her wisdom on countless radio and television programs including The Tyra Banks Show, E! Entertainment, The KTLA Morning Show, and Playboy Radio. Her book, Lucia’s Lessons in Love, is available for purchase here.
Good luck! You're definitely on the fast track to a great career and have a lot to look forward too. My only advice would be to be careful on the financial side of things. Even if you can afford to support her you should make sure she's willing to take care of herself in the relationship for love. I fell for a woman and we got along great, but she was a single mom with financial problems and a dead beat ex so I was helping her out. Pretty soon it started killing my bank account and she was spending lots of time with other guys as well. It's best to keep romance and finances separate marriage.
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By: EnergeticMale Comments: (23)Not sure if Michael will ever read this but I will give my opinion anyway. While Lucia asks about you being the one "sowing your wild oats" maybe the question is are you sure she isn't enjoying you as a plaything until a big, better deal comes along? Because forgive me for being blunt, but if she is 41 years old, working behind the counter at a gym and struggling financially there might be a reason for that. Granted it might be a serious, noble reason such as a sick relative but it could also might be because she still doesn't have her priorities straight. You are 19 and though you feelings are completely valid, be aware that you will be changing throughout the years and what you want in life will also be changing. When you turn 25 she will be 47 if you are thinking long term. Be aware if you decided to take it to the next level she might cut you loose because she doesn't want that and for your own protection. I know when I was 21, I feel hard for a 33 year old. Yet as years past I realized she moved on for my protection; she knew that I still had my whole life ahead of me and she didn't want to be the reason that I didn't get to experience more of what life had to offer. We still keep in touch via e-mail, she is married now with a a son. Though I am grateful for the lesson, I know now I wouldn't be happy as I thought I could've been spending my life with her.
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By: Captain Confidence Comments: (29)amazing story Mr. Michael. What can I tell? just wish you the best bro. One of my biggest fears is to get really attached to a woman that goes by the nickname of "cougar". Never been in a relationship of any type with a cougar, but fantasizing about one, though getting things more seriously is an important decision you have to make, but more important is the answer she has for you, what she expects from you and If she wants to be with you. Good luck man!
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By: sebastianu878 Comments: (8)